guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
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