oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
