i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
