I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
