True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
