So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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