I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
