apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
