hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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