You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
