Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
