I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
