By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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