I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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