You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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