I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
