And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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