I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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