True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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