Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
