Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
