i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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