im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
