I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize