Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
