Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
