I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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