Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
