Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
