Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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