he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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