you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize