I cannot find my penis.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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