Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
