I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
