worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
