Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
