I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
