Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize