so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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