where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
