I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
