It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
