I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
