Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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