Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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