how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
