I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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