some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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