Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
