Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
