I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
