I think my vagina is haunted
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
