it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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