yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
