Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
