You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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